Friday, August 12, 2011

My heart!

This is probably one of the most difficult blog posts I am about to write. I have written this post in my head many times, but this is the first time I have sat down and decided to type, to try and  put those thoughts that have been in my head for a while now, on paper so to speak!
I just want you to know I am going to be sharing something very near and dear to my heart and so I want you to be prepared for what your about to read! I want to share this with you, because I know many of you have been through this similar journey or know someone who has been through it.

Back in December of 2010 I learned I was pregnant with our 3rd child, yes what great news! I remember being a little surprised but also excited.  A few days later those feelings of Joy and excitement turned to fear and sadness as I started to miscarry our precious baby.

Yes I was pregnant for a very short time, but I had no idea how that short time was going to affect me or impact my life for months  to come! I grieved terribly for my baby, I longed to be morning sick and have all those early feelings of pregnancy that we do not like or enjoy, because in my mind if I felt that way then I was still pregnant. I hoped that it might  be a bad dream and I would wake up from it and everything would be ok or maybe the dr. was wrong?  But however that was not going to happen. In the past months since our miscarriage God has taught me so much about Himself, about myself and also how much He loves me. I went through a wide range of emotions over the last few months and at times I was very angry with God and bitter, but I also realized that for me to stay that way was of no benefit to me or anyone around me! It was not helping me heal and was not honoring God or my little one either!

The reason I write this now is because my little one was due around this time, mid August :) I have found myself this past week thinking about our little one a lot, what they would have looked like, thinking about how their tiny body would have felt in my arms, how my husband and I would have greeted them into the world and what the boys would have thought of him/her. Experiencing a miscarriage has been one of the saddest times of my life, but through it all I still have hope.  I know that although I won't get to hold our baby here on earth, they are in Jesus arms and one day we will most definitely be reunited and what a glorious day that will be :) 

Since my miscarriage I have talked with many women, many of them  whom I did not know had gone through the same thing. Everyone's story is a little different and yet the same in regards to how they felt and dealt with the loss. I feel that in writing this maybe I can bring some hope, but also help other families. I heard 1 in 3 women miscarry, something I was not aware of until this happened to me. Most people don't talk about it or share their story, miscarriage and infant loss is a taboo subject it seems. I think partly because none of us really know how to respond and sometimes when the news is shared the response from others is not always helpful in our grief.  I have been cautious in how I have shared it, but I feel it has been important for me to write this down. Our baby was not with us for very long but, he/she has left a lasting imprint on our hearts and we will carry that with us forever! One of the verses that gave me comfort during the early days was:

Isaiah 55:8-9 

 8 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I may not understand why this happened, but yet I know I have to continue to trust and lean on Jesus.
For those of you have walked with me through my time of grief and have been there for me when I needed to talk, needed someone to pray, a hug or just let me cry, I want to say a huge thank you!