My heart!

This is probably one of the most difficult blog posts I am about to write. I have written this post in my head many times, but this is the first time I have sat down and decided to type, to try and  put those thoughts that have been in my head for a while now, on paper so to speak!
I just want you to know I am going to be sharing something very near and dear to my heart and so I want you to be prepared for what your about to read! I want to share this with you, because I know many of you have been through this similar journey or know someone who has been through it.

Back in December of 2010 I learned I was pregnant with our 3rd child, yes what great news! I remember being a little surprised but also excited.  A few days later those feelings of Joy and excitement turned to fear and sadness as I started to miscarry our precious baby.

Yes I was pregnant for a very short time, but I had no idea how that short time was going to affect me or impact my life for months  to come! I grieved terribly for my baby, I longed to be morning sick and have all those early feelings of pregnancy that we do not like or enjoy, because in my mind if I felt that way then I was still pregnant. I hoped that it might  be a bad dream and I would wake up from it and everything would be ok or maybe the dr. was wrong?  But however that was not going to happen. In the past months since our miscarriage God has taught me so much about Himself, about myself and also how much He loves me. I went through a wide range of emotions over the last few months and at times I was very angry with God and bitter, but I also realized that for me to stay that way was of no benefit to me or anyone around me! It was not helping me heal and was not honoring God or my little one either!

The reason I write this now is because my little one was due around this time, mid August :) I have found myself this past week thinking about our little one a lot, what they would have looked like, thinking about how their tiny body would have felt in my arms, how my husband and I would have greeted them into the world and what the boys would have thought of him/her. Experiencing a miscarriage has been one of the saddest times of my life, but through it all I still have hope.  I know that although I won't get to hold our baby here on earth, they are in Jesus arms and one day we will most definitely be reunited and what a glorious day that will be :) 

Since my miscarriage I have talked with many women, many of them  whom I did not know had gone through the same thing. Everyone's story is a little different and yet the same in regards to how they felt and dealt with the loss. I feel that in writing this maybe I can bring some hope, but also help other families. I heard 1 in 3 women miscarry, something I was not aware of until this happened to me. Most people don't talk about it or share their story, miscarriage and infant loss is a taboo subject it seems. I think partly because none of us really know how to respond and sometimes when the news is shared the response from others is not always helpful in our grief.  I have been cautious in how I have shared it, but I feel it has been important for me to write this down. Our baby was not with us for very long but, he/she has left a lasting imprint on our hearts and we will carry that with us forever! One of the verses that gave me comfort during the early days was:

Isaiah 55:8-9 

 ⁸ “For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways,”
            declares the LORD.
⁹ “As the heavens are higher than the earth,
   so are my ways higher than your ways
   and my thoughts than your thoughts.

I may not understand why this happened, but yet I know I have to continue to trust and lean on Jesus.
For those of you have walked with me through my time of grief and have been there for me when I needed to talk, needed someone to pray, a hug or just let me cry, I want to say a huge thank you!

Why my husband Rocks!

It isn't hard for me to say why my husband rocks! He is the love of my life, my best friend! When we met I had never dated anyone else. I was 23 years old and wasn't sure if a husband was in God's plans for me? My husband and I met when I came to the US in 1998 as an exchange student  to Moody Bible institute. For me I wanted to marry someone who loved God, was a man of integrity and served God will all His heart, I definitely found all those qualities in my husband.

We have been married for 10 years, the last 4- 5 years have probably been the hardest 5 years for us as a couple and family. After 6 years in youth ministry my husband felt God was leading him out of that for a while. One of the main reasons being our oldest son was having some major developmental issues, which we later found out was Autism. Since an Autism diagnosis, my husband has been a rock. I heard divorce within the Autism community is extremely high. Although it has been tough at times, I can't imagine raising our son with Autism or our other son apart from each other!

He is always there willing to listen, helping calm my fears and anxieties but in all of that pointing me towards Christ, encouraging me to look to Christ for my strength, wisdom and guidance. He brings a calm and stability into my life, he also makes me laugh which is another quality I appreciate since I can be very serious at times!

In April of 2009 my husband and I started to build our own home through a self help sweat equity program. One of the reasons we did it was so we could have a home of our own, one that was safe for our boys and a place of rest and tranquility for when our days were crazy! My husband put in 40 hours a week of work on his regular job and then on the weekend he would put in 20 hours on our house :) 

He loves our boys, you can often find him riding bikes, doing yard work, wrestling, making up stories at bed time, playing and just being silly with them and they too love their daddy :)

So as you can see, that is why my husband rocks, and I only feel like I have scratched the surface, but I am thankful I can honor him in this way. Happy Father's day to my love!

Five minute Friday- "On Distance"

It's that time again :) I am really enjoying doing these!

1. Write for 5 minutes flat for pure unedited love of the written word.
2. Link back here and invite others to join in {you can grab the button in my right side bar}
3. Go leave some comment props for the five minute artist who linked up before you {and if you love us, consider turning off word verification for the day to make it easier for folks to say howdy}

Today's topic "ON DISTANCE"

GO!
You were my firstborn and I was so delighted to have you in my life, yet for some reason something didn't seem right? I watched you as you lined up your cars, you tried to communicate but you couldn't, you would wake up from a nap and cry and cry, I would hold you and pray  and seek God for wisdom as something with my sweet baby boy wasn't how I thought it should be? There was a distance, you were locked in a world I didn't understand, I couldn't reach.

I was determined not to let you stay there, determined to bring you closer. I did everything I could to reach in, help you! Thankfully after lots of appointments, questioning, testing, therapy, researching, we found out. Autism created a distance between you and me, but I was so determined to not let it, I knew God had blessed us with a very special little guy who would change us in a way we would never understand.

The day you were diagnosed, I felt a burden lift, I felt I could finally reach you, finally help you.  The last few years have been very hard work, but finally I feel like the distance between me and you has been lifted. To see you laugh, smile, giggle, talk and enjoy life has brought so much joy.



April is Autism Awareness Month, this is a great time for  all of us to understand Autism, to not let the distance come between us and to enjoy the special blessing of a child with Autism.

STOP!

Five Minute Friday- If you met me...............

 
Today I’m linking up with the http://thegypsymama.com/2011/04/five-minute-friday-if-you-met-me/who  challenges us to write for 5 minutes without stopping,  without editing – about a particular subject. Here is this Friday’s topic 
 
If you met me...............

Go
You would probably notice that I have an accent and no I am not Canadian, I grew up in Northern Ireland, which I am very proud to tell everyone :)
I would probably share with you the story of how I came to America to attend Bible school, but also found my sweetheart that year!
 If you met me, I would love to share my story with you, I love to share it with anyone who will listen. I love to share how good and gracious God has been in my life in the last few years. If you met me I  would probably share with you how God blessed us with 2 precious boys and that one of our boys was diagnosed with Autism. You will probably notice how passionate I am about Autism and also so thankful for how God used something painful and difficult in our family to show us His love and provision in our lives.
I may also share with you some of the other things God has been doing recently in my life, how he is healing my heart.
If you met me I hope you would also laugh with me, I have 2 very crazy boys and I love to share their funny stories and silly things they do. If you met me I hope you would also meet my wonderful husband who I can't imagine doing this journey without. If you met me, I hope you would leave knowing most importantly I love Jesus and He is everything to me. 

Stop!

Adversary or Advocate? Reaching the heart of your child and a giveaway!

Adversary or Advocate? Reaching the heart of your child and a giveaway!

A few weeks ago I  discovered this author, her name is Sally Clarkson ( if you click on the title above you can link to her website) . Recently the Lord has been really working on my heart about how I view myself. This has been through a bible study I have been doing with a group of friends, but also it has been reinforced to me through the things I have read on this blog and in another book I am reading currently!  I realized that my view is often shaped by lies I believe about myself. Those lies have come from things that may have happened in the past or things that others have said to me or have been done to me!

As I read through Sally's blogs I am just overwhelmed by her wisdom as a mother. I have also been made aware that those lies we believe can also carry over into our parenting. Those lies leave us feeling exhausted, disappointed and frustrated with ourselves.
Her blog is so encouraging and I think any woman would be blessed by it. I appreciate her no guilt approach and the understanding of we are all in this together and lets encourage each other!

She is doing a give away right now for one of her books, so if your interested hop on over to her blog and leave a comment :) The link above should take you to it!

Blessings

The song I have posted below on this Blog post  is one of my new favorite songs! A few weeks ago I was folding laundry in my living room and I heard this song playing on the radio, it really caught my attention! As I listened I was aware I had wet cheeks, this song spoke right to my heart!  It talks about how the difficult times in our lives can also yield many blessings. Our blessings don't just come from the good things that happen in our lives. I had never really thought and processed that concept before and yet as I thought more about it, I could see different situations in my own life where that was very true!

There are some things that happen in our lives that are often very hard for us to understand  why they would happen? Or even why God would allow them to happen?  As I listened to this song it made me realize that even in our very difficult times, that God is working out His purposes in our lives &  hardships can also have blessings.

When E was diagnosed with Autism, I most definitely would not have said "oh my isn't that a wonderful blessing my son has Autism"! Yet 4 years in advance I can look back over the last few years and  see now the blessings that have come from having a child diagnosed with Autism. I have met some beautiful families and made wonderful friends. I have also been able to understand and learn about something I otherwise would never have maybe thought about! Also when we built our house I remember feeling a little resentful in some ways that we had to work so much and sacrifice a lot during that time to get a house for our family, but now I can truly see the blessing in why God had us do the project. We are blessed with great friends in our neighborhood ! I pray that as you watch and listen to this song you will be able to see the blessings in your life that have come from the good and the bad situations.
 My favorite line  is  " what if the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise" .

Friendship