I had been thinking its time to start writing again, its been quite some time. I found this blog again and decided now was as good a time as ever. I think I felt it had to be perfect, it had to be inspired and recently I have not been feeling any of those things.
The last few years have been transitional for me, with ministry, friendships, home, family. A lot of it was good for our family and marriage but with transition and change there always comes a shift.
And that shift left me feeling unsteady and unsure at times. Questioning and even fighting for what I felt should have been or might have been? I have at times realized I had become a little stuck in the transition like a record player stuck in a groove and the monotonous sound playing over and over not able to move on and causing frustration, distraction and annoyance.
My heart was fragile and almost a little broken, feeling the need to process and yet not always sure how to do it well. And when I did it seemed too messy, too hard, too exhausting so id give up. I continued to stuff and then it never came out very pretty when I had opportunity to share. I would try to just keep moving along but I felt more like a ship being bobbed back and forth in the ocean not able to make a lot of head way. There has been a resistance in my heart, a sadness that has blocked me from allowing to see that in this all I can have victory and joy. And I know too well I have a choice in this all too.
I like to refer to life in seasons, like the verse that is known so well "For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:" Eccelsiastes 3:1
I have struggled to celebrate the new and to let go of the things that have caused the record player to become stuck!
In my feelings of being uprooted and displaced I became weighted down and at times have been blinded by self pity and not allowing myself to see what is good. We need to be able to mourn change and transition, but its when it comes with resentment, it becomes a burden.
I am still in the process of trying to work through this all and yet while I feel at times discouraged by my reactions and lack of growth in this matter, I know there is hope. I keep reminding myself of the truth that God is faithful, and I have hope in the resurrection, hope in forgiveness and hope in moving forward.
I don't have it all neat and wrapped up in a bow at this time, its a daily struggle and I have to constantly work at being focused on His truths. As I am being vulnerable in writing this, I am trusting for change and knowing God is gracious to see this through. May I be listening and aware of the obnoxious sound of a stuck needle on a record player.
